Don't you love when you call somebody and they sound about as happy to talk to you as they'd be to wade in a pool of vomit?

Whatevah. You can't ruin my buzz! I just had a great exam! So there! Great exam > poopy friend.

location: At home without pants - the freedom! mood: chipper but ti-yad

Ok I'm doing that thing where you put your iTunes of shuffle and write the first lines. I don't need to post all those rules cause y'all know how it goes. I'll probably post this on Facebook too so you could just do it there.

1. I once was open and one with a traveling heart.
2. To finger paint is not a sin
3. The boy child is locked in the fisherman's yard
4. After all the jacks are in their boxes and the clowns have all gone to bed
5. This is our moment. Will you stand with me?
6. She took me off my guard with disappointment
7. Hey Mr. DJ, put a record on, I want to dance with my baby (it's a cover)
8. Sketch of your faces I still don't know you aren't permanent
9. Nonononononononono I heard the fortune teller gave you bad news, bad news
10. It sounds just like a scream but I don't know what you mean
11. Lives are like retractable pencils - if you push them too far, they're going to break
12. You shatter me, your grip on me, your hold on me so dull it kills
13. "Howdy lem" my grandpa said with his eyes closed
14. Down at the arsenal they keep the nerve gasses
15. She comes along, she gets inside
16. You're in control, is there anywhere you want to go?
17. She makes me think of lightning in skies
18. I coulda been a sailor, coulda been a cook
19. Ride, ride, ride, ride (etc.)...Stuck here out of gas out here on the Gaza strip
20. What grew? What grew? What grew and inside who?
21. I'm the mother flipping rhymenoceros. My beats are fat and the birds are on my back and I'm horny
22. Need you, dream you, find you, taste you...
23. This is the first day of my last days
24. Oh yeah, tonight we're going to make love
25. I don't know, but it's been said, you do or don't and then you're dead
26. Creep up and tell me that you, you love me more each time you look into my eyes
27. Everyone, everyone around here, everyone is so near
28. Parlami, il tuo silenzio guarda dentra
29. Metaphor for a missing moment
30. Work it, make it, do it, makes us harder, better, faster, stronger

I had to skip a few cause the first lines were the titles or because they were instrumental or because the lyrics are prett hard to discern but I'll list them in the spirit of full disclosure
Moskau - Boney M.
Open - Chevelle
Hello, I Love You - The Doors
Onions - Do Make Say Think
Modern Romance - The Rapture
A Parallax Revisited - Discuss
Fitter, Happier - Radiohead
Lapsong - Sybarite
Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer - Dean Martin

mood: bored music: That is for you to find out! Muahaha!

How come everything is backwards for me? How come most people always have their friends to turn to when their heart gets broken, but the only time I've ever had my heart broken has been because of my friends. I'm just so tired. I spent all of last semester trying to turn my life around. Admitting my problem to my parents, taking the drugs, seeing the counsellor - all these things I never wanted to do. I tried to make myself happy and make the effort in areas of my life that were lacking. I've spent all my effort - on school and on friends. And I have nothing left anymore and nothing to show for it except a couple of good grades. I tried. I really did. I went against my nature and I made the effort, I made the invitations, I actually let out how I feel. After giving all I had it seems like I was wrong and it was never really up to me. And now I'm let down and exhausted and right back where I was 5 months ago, tempted by all the same thoughts and destructive behaviour. I've been trying all this time to blame myself and I just can't anymore because I did my best and despite every effort and every invitation, I'm just calling out into a void. There is no one there. Whether it's because I just have really shitty friends or because I'm entirely unlikable despite my best efforts, I'm not sure. So here it is.

Watching movies alone is a dangerous pastime for me. I'm so damned impressionable and I always end up feeling so keenly. I need to pick up some of my old creative hobbies. Crosswords and knitting are just banishing me to early retirement. I need an outlet. I need to feel smart and innovative. I need some kind of purpose beyond schoolwork. I need...

mood: bittersweet

"But even when I was alone I could be afraid. Why should I pretend that those nights never existed, when the fear of death made me sit up in bed, clinging to the thought that sitting up was at any rate something only a living person could do: that the dead didn't sit up. This always happened in one of those chance rooms which immediately abandoned me when things went wrong, as if they were afraid of being cross-examined and implicated in my troubles. There I sat, and I probably looked so frightening that nothing had the courage to approach me; even the candle, which I had just obliged by lighting it, wouldn't have anything to do with me. It burned there for itself, as if in an empty room. My last hope was always the window. I imagined that outside there might still be something that belonged to me, even now, even in this sudden poverty of dying. But hardly had I looked toward it when I wished that the window had been barricaded, closed like the wall. For now I knew that everything was happening out there with the same indifference, that outside too there was nothing but my solitude. The solitude which I had brought upon myself and which had become too vast for my heart to take in. I remembered people I had once left, and I didn't understand how someone could ever abandon another person."

mood: tired

So I just got out of my head and the hazy, cluttered point of view that is my life right now. And just look at me.
I'm sitting in a university cafe beside the window looking out onto concrete beach.
There are a variety of people around me talking about relationship woes, talking about scholarly pursuits, drinking coffee, drinking diet coke.
I'm wearing a crocheted hat and have a creased 800 page book beside my white MacBook.

...seriously how ridiculous is this.

But what's the real world like anyway?

mood: busy

So this morning I tried on a pair of pants that haven't fit me for about a year and lo and behold they fit! And not just in a sucking my tummy in way. They fit comfortably! Now this is satisfying. I knew I was looking better but qaaaaaaavw yyyy√877 fgbbvvcyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyygq√
Sorry that was the kitten thinking that to get pet he should lie on my keyboard.
Anyway, I knew I was looking better but this is the proof. The proof is in the pudding! Or lack thereof.
But yeah, I was feeling gross and tubby pretty much since Christmas but through walking at least half an hour a day and going to yoga once a week and having no junk food in the house and eating hardly any meat, I've lost a significant amount of weight in a pretty short amount of time. Not eating a lot of meat really cuts down the grocery bills too.

La la la ok time to go read The Late Mattia Pascal.

mood: accomplished

So the place is looking better now that the DVD and CD shelves are up. Taking up nealy an entire wall I might add. Just got to set up the music corner, wait for that darned book shelf, put up the books and then find spots for all the random crap. It's a nice place. I like it. It's comfortable. I find myself continually wishing I was coming home to a cat though. NOT UNTIL THE NEW YEAR. That's what I decided and I'm just going to have to stick to it. Again, I'll take pictures of the finished apartmet when it's done, but realistically that won't be for another two weeks I'm sure.

So I went to a bar for the first time (yes yes, it's been a month since I turned 19 and I just went two nights ago). It was....ok. I don't know, I mean the music was loud and only occasionally good and the drinks were hella expensive. And then there was the fact that it of course was just a total meat market. I mean I went out with my girlfriends to just dance and have fun, but they're all single so they wheeled and danced with guys and one who shall not be named got a little frisky! But then there's me who just kind of tried to avoid dancing with guys, which worked out alright when one of my friends wasn't dancing with one because I could dance with them. But when they're all preoccupied with their asses in some guys' crotches, it's kind of hard for me to escape. I mean, a guy tried to butt in front of me in the ATM line and then tried to turn it into a come on. Seriously? But anyway, it was just one bar of many and maybe that one wasn't for me. It just kind of sucks because I like the idea of going out an dancing with my friends, but the fact of the matter remains that bars are for single people. Oh well, at least you meet a lot of crazy people. That's always fun.

Man do you know what I LOVE? Going to the market! I mean, not the supermarket even though that's fine. It's always fun to see how much you can get for how little. That goes for cooking too. But there's this kind of open market downtown and my favourite places are the Thai place where I can get coconut milk and bamboo and curry pastes as well as the tea shop, which I haven't bought from yet because I was so overwhelmed! Maybe today though. Yes, today.

Man, school is nuts. Nothing like first year. All of a sudden you're expected to be at this level and I'm just trying to seem like I belong here. I always considered myself to be relatively smart, but I'm really not sure anymore. Here are my courses:
Italian - first year (Love it!)
Asian Philosophy (So far...not detecting any philosophy. I'm really disappointed with this courses as it stands)
Comp Lit Research Methods (Will be useful but also is a pain in the ass)
Comp Lit Modernism (I just have no idea what's going on. My teacher likes to pontificate)
Comp Lit Italian Lit (Probably going to be tricky and the fact that it's a nice class works against it, but it's going to be good I think)

Yeah so...I guess that's it for now.

mood: content

A little snapshot of my apartment. I might take some real pictures once it's all unpacked and such.




That's Kill Bill on the TV in case anyone was wondering.

location: My new apartment in London mood: relaxed

The most annoying movie ever would feature Cameron Diaz, Katie Holmes, Julia Roberts and Nicholas Cage. Then it would be directed by John Hughes.

mood: exhausted

I'm in an ant colony. It's a really crappy way to live.
And even though I can supposedly carry like 10 billion times my weight or whatever it is....you're still too heavy. I wish you could help yourself for once.

mood: frustrated

Funniest thing I've seen in a while. Please watch this.

mood: amused

It's pretty hard to figure myself out.

mood: okay

Flake chocolate bars are awesome.
Flaky friends are not.

mood: irritated

...here goes...
Not sure why I've submitted myself to the horrors of Youtube.

mood: nervous

You know the first day we spent time together just the two of us, over two years ago, one of us had a fortune from a fortune cookie that said "Stop searching, happiness is right next to you".
Meaningful? Maybe
Coincidence? Perhaps
Cliche romantic moment that will probably end up in a blockbuster romantic comedy? Definitely

Nevertheless, it's a nice moment to look back at.

P.S. I'm getting really good at drums on Rockband. It makes me feel cool. Hopefully it won't get to my head so much that I'll start wearing jerseys and bandanas.

mood: silly

So I just feel like writing something. Can't really think of what....

Ok how bout this, I'll make a list of the lookalikes at my work.

Matthew Good (when he was younger...but an old version)
Adam from Mythbusters (except he shaved his head and now he looks very Humpty Dumpty)
The incompetent male counterpart of the villainous duo in The Rescuers (complete with silly moustache)
Dr. Kelso from Scrubs (he scares me)

That's all I can think of right now.

Graeme and I are throwing a Dr. Seuss dinner party.

Tonight my dog went to pee on a tree but then pooped on it instead. It was weird.

Hopefully tomorrow's barbecue will be fun.

I'm in such a weird rut lately. I seem to be neither here nor there. It's not that I'm not doing anything with my time, it's just that I feel out of touch with myself. I sometimes get these bitter feelings and then I'm not sure if I'm just transferring the bitterness about my job or if they have validity. I think it might end up jeopardizing relationships.

Well that got serious out of nowhere. Time to go to bed! I have very entertaining dreams. I could really sleep forever.

mood: weird

I cannot wait for September. Toward the end of the year I kept looking forward to summer vacation, but working full time is hardly a vacation. September will be bliss. I just can't wait to have my own place!

mood: hopeful