The Last Page

ajna_chakra @ 2009-04-22T17:23:00

2009-04-22T21:26:31Z

Don't you love when you call somebody and they sound about as happy to talk to you as they'd be to wade in a pool of vomit?

Whatevah. You can't ruin my buzz! I just had a great exam! So there! Great exam > poopy friend.

Name the songs!

2009-03-23T00:56:43Z

Ok I'm doing that thing where you put your iTunes of shuffle and write the first lines. I don't need to post all those rules cause y'all know how it goes. I'll probably post this on Facebook too so you could just do it there.

1. I once was open and one with a traveling heart.
2. To finger paint is not a sin
3. The boy child is locked in the fisherman's yard
4. After all the jacks are in their boxes and the clowns have all gone to bed
5. This is our moment. Will you stand with me?
6. She took me off my guard with disappointment
7. Hey Mr. DJ, put a record on, I want to dance with my baby (it's a cover)
8. Sketch of your faces I still don't know you aren't permanent
9. Nonononononononono I heard the fortune teller gave you bad news, bad news
10. It sounds just like a scream but I don't know what you mean
11. Lives are like retractable pencils - if you push them too far, they're going to break
12. You shatter me, your grip on me, your hold on me so dull it kills
13. "Howdy lem" my grandpa said with his eyes closed
14. Down at the arsenal they keep the nerve gasses
15. She comes along, she gets inside
16. You're in control, is there anywhere you want to go?
17. She makes me think of lightning in skies
18. I coulda been a sailor, coulda been a cook
19. Ride, ride, ride, ride (etc.)...Stuck here out of gas out here on the Gaza strip
20. What grew? What grew? What grew and inside who?
21. I'm the mother flipping rhymenoceros. My beats are fat and the birds are on my back and I'm horny
22. Need you, dream you, find you, taste you...
23. This is the first day of my last days
24. Oh yeah, tonight we're going to make love
25. I don't know, but it's been said, you do or don't and then you're dead
26. Creep up and tell me that you, you love me more each time you look into my eyes
27. Everyone, everyone around here, everyone is so near
28. Parlami, il tuo silenzio guarda dentra
29. Metaphor for a missing moment
30. Work it, make it, do it, makes us harder, better, faster, stronger

I had to skip a few cause the first lines were the titles or because they were instrumental or because the lyrics are prett hard to discern but I'll list them in the spirit of full disclosure
Moskau - Boney M.
Open - Chevelle
Hello, I Love You - The Doors
Onions - Do Make Say Think
Modern Romance - The Rapture
A Parallax Revisited - Discuss
Fitter, Happier - Radiohead
Lapsong - Sybarite
Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer - Dean Martin

ajna_chakra @ 2009-02-07T19:08:00

2009-02-08T00:15:39Z

How come everything is backwards for me? How come most people always have their friends to turn to when their heart gets broken, but the only time I've ever had my heart broken has been because of my friends. I'm just so tired. I spent all of last semester trying to turn my life around. Admitting my problem to my parents, taking the drugs, seeing the counsellor - all these things I never wanted to do. I tried to make myself happy and make the effort in areas of my life that were lacking. I've spent all my effort - on school and on friends. And I have nothing left anymore and nothing to show for it except a couple of good grades. I tried. I really did. I went against my nature and I made the effort, I made the invitations, I actually let out how I feel. After giving all I had it seems like I was wrong and it was never really up to me. And now I'm let down and exhausted and right back where I was 5 months ago, tempted by all the same thoughts and destructive behaviour. I've been trying all this time to blame myself and I just can't anymore because I did my best and despite every effort and every invitation, I'm just calling out into a void. There is no one there. Whether it's because I just have really shitty friends or because I'm entirely unlikable despite my best efforts, I'm not sure. So here it is.

The world forgetting, by the world forgot

2009-01-16T22:19:47Z

Watching movies alone is a dangerous pastime for me. I'm so damned impressionable and I always end up feeling so keenly. I need to pick up some of my old creative hobbies. Crosswords and knitting are just banishing me to early retirement. I need an outlet. I need to feel smart and innovative. I need some kind of purpose beyond schoolwork. I need...

The Notebooks of Malte Laurids Brigge

2008-11-29T07:29:18Z

"But even when I was alone I could be afraid. Why should I pretend that those nights never existed, when the fear of death made me sit up in bed, clinging to the thought that sitting up was at any rate something only a living person could do: that the dead didn't sit up. This always happened in one of those chance rooms which immediately abandoned me when things went wrong, as if they were afraid of being cross-examined and implicated in my troubles. There I sat, and I probably looked so frightening that nothing had the courage to approach me; even the candle, which I had just obliged by lighting it, wouldn't have anything to do with me. It burned there for itself, as if in an empty room. My last hope was always the window. I imagined that outside there might still be something that belonged to me, even now, even in this sudden poverty of dying. But hardly had I looked toward it when I wished that the window had been barricaded, closed like the wall. For now I knew that everything was happening out there with the same indifference, that outside too there was nothing but my solitude. The solitude which I had brought upon myself and which had become too vast for my heart to take in. I remembered people I had once left, and I didn't understand how someone could ever abandon another person."

Look at me being all "university"

2008-10-22T18:42:04Z

So I just got out of my head and the hazy, cluttered point of view that is my life right now. And just look at me.
I'm sitting in a university cafe beside the window looking out onto concrete beach.
There are a variety of people around me talking about relationship woes, talking about scholarly pursuits, drinking coffee, drinking diet coke.
I'm wearing a crocheted hat and have a creased 800 page book beside my white MacBook.

...seriously how ridiculous is this.

But what's the real world like anyway?

Healthy

2008-09-29T19:05:50Z

So this morning I tried on a pair of pants that haven't fit me for about a year and lo and behold they fit! And not just in a sucking my tummy in way. They fit comfortably! Now this is satisfying. I knew I was looking better but qaaaaaaavw yyyy√877 fgbbvvcyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyygq√
Sorry that was the kitten thinking that to get pet he should lie on my keyboard.
Anyway, I knew I was looking better but this is the proof. The proof is in the pudding! Or lack thereof.
But yeah, I was feeling gross and tubby pretty much since Christmas but through walking at least half an hour a day and going to yoga once a week and having no junk food in the house and eating hardly any meat, I've lost a significant amount of weight in a pretty short amount of time. Not eating a lot of meat really cuts down the grocery bills too.

La la la ok time to go read The Late Mattia Pascal.

Saturday Morning (no spaghetti fights)

2008-09-13T16:02:35Z

So the place is looking better now that the DVD and CD shelves are up. Taking up nealy an entire wall I might add. Just got to set up the music corner, wait for that darned book shelf, put up the books and then find spots for all the random crap. It's a nice place. I like it. It's comfortable. I find myself continually wishing I was coming home to a cat though. NOT UNTIL THE NEW YEAR. That's what I decided and I'm just going to have to stick to it. Again, I'll take pictures of the finished apartmet when it's done, but realistically that won't be for another two weeks I'm sure.

So I went to a bar for the first time (yes yes, it's been a month since I turned 19 and I just went two nights ago). It was....ok. I don't know, I mean the music was loud and only occasionally good and the drinks were hella expensive. And then there was the fact that it of course was just a total meat market. I mean I went out with my girlfriends to just dance and have fun, but they're all single so they wheeled and danced with guys and one who shall not be named got a little frisky! But then there's me who just kind of tried to avoid dancing with guys, which worked out alright when one of my friends wasn't dancing with one because I could dance with them. But when they're all preoccupied with their asses in some guys' crotches, it's kind of hard for me to escape. I mean, a guy tried to butt in front of me in the ATM line and then tried to turn it into a come on. Seriously? But anyway, it was just one bar of many and maybe that one wasn't for me. It just kind of sucks because I like the idea of going out an dancing with my friends, but the fact of the matter remains that bars are for single people. Oh well, at least you meet a lot of crazy people. That's always fun.

Man do you know what I LOVE? Going to the market! I mean, not the supermarket even though that's fine. It's always fun to see how much you can get for how little. That goes for cooking too. But there's this kind of open market downtown and my favourite places are the Thai place where I can get coconut milk and bamboo and curry pastes as well as the tea shop, which I haven't bought from yet because I was so overwhelmed! Maybe today though. Yes, today.

Man, school is nuts. Nothing like first year. All of a sudden you're expected to be at this level and I'm just trying to seem like I belong here. I always considered myself to be relatively smart, but I'm really not sure anymore. Here are my courses:
Italian - first year (Love it!)
Asian Philosophy (So far...not detecting any philosophy. I'm really disappointed with this courses as it stands)
Comp Lit Research Methods (Will be useful but also is a pain in the ass)
Comp Lit Modernism (I just have no idea what's going on. My teacher likes to pontificate)
Comp Lit Italian Lit (Probably going to be tricky and the fact that it's a nice class works against it, but it's going to be good I think)

Yeah so...I guess that's it for now.

Mah place

2008-09-05T22:25:10Z

A little snapshot of my apartment. I might take some real pictures once it's all unpacked and such.

That's Kill Bill on the TV in case anyone was wondering.

Most annoying movie ever

2008-08-15T12:31:48Z

The most annoying movie ever would feature Cameron Diaz, Katie Holmes, Julia Roberts and Nicholas Cage. Then it would be directed by John Hughes.

Probably

2008-08-13T02:28:51Z

Well if you're going to be so indirect then so will I...

2008-07-23T13:47:22Z

I'm in an ant colony. It's a really crappy way to live.
And even though I can supposedly carry like 10 billion times my weight or whatever it is....you're still too heavy. I wish you could help yourself for once.

200 Questions

2008-07-18T02:28:28Z

200: My name is : Victoria Kathryn Hoare

199: I was born on: August 9, 1989 (8/9/89 - cool huh? I like to think it makes me special)

198. I am : female

197. My eye color is: blue

195. My shoe size is: 7/8

194. My ring size is: No idea but luckily the one Justin got me fits

193. My favorite color is: I love them all! La la la

192. My height is: About 5'4"/5'5"

191. I'm allergic to: penicillin, ceyclor, something in the May to June time period

190. I live in: Mississauga until the end of August and then it's London for the next three years at least

189. The last book I read: Dante's Divine Comedy (Inferno) and Alice in Wonderland. Still haven't finished either

188. My bed time is: 11 but sometimes earlier if I need it

187. First Screen name?: Well my first email address was reelgurl14 ...So cool

186. Current Screen name? Victoire - Meet me in Montauk

179. My favorite Holiday is: Christmas but I also love Halloween

178. The perfect kiss is: *VOMIT ALERT* With Justin

177. The last cd I listened to: Coldplay - Parachutes

176. Last song that made me cry was? Man, no idea

172. My most treasured possession(s): Hmm I guess my laptop and my camera

170. What did you do last night: Watched So You Think You Can Dance. Katee and Will = dream couple

167. My skin's reaction to the sun is (tan/burn): Well I'm pretty versatile but I'm more of a tanner

**BELIEVE IN ???

143. Santa: Heck yes

142. Love at First Sight: Sight is superficial, so no

141. Luck: Sure

140. Fate: Maybe

139. Karma: It's definitely a comforting thought

138. Aliens: It's stupid to think that in an infinite universe we're the only ones. It's just the aliens are probably smart enough to avoid us.

137. Heaven: Don't know

136. Underworld: Don't know

135. Ghosts: I hope not. I'm really not liking the idea of being haunted

134. Horoscopes: Well it's fun to believe

133. Soul mates: I'm not sure. I think yes, but I also think that two people don't have to be soulmates to work together

***BETTERR ??

129. Hugs or Kisses: Kisses. I think they're more sincere

128. Drunk or High: Drunk please

127. Phone or online: Online. I'm not much of a phone person at all

126. Red heads or Brown hair: Dun matter!

125. Blondes or Brunette: Dun matter! (by the way, that's to be said in a poor Scottish accent)

124. Lamb and tuna or peanut butter and jelly: peanut butter and jelly all the way

123. Pool or darts: Since I'm quite crap at both I'm going to go with pool because it's less dangerous to those around me

122: Sci-fi or horror: Sci-fi hands down

121: Boys or girls: Boys. I just can't keep up with girls.

120. Night or Day: Night

119. Oranges or Apples: Berries!

118. Curly or Straight hair: Let's compromise and say wavy

***WHAT COMES TO MIND ???

117. Scary: Spice?

116: Parents: Blah

110. School: Take me back!

***LAST TIME ???

103. Missed someone: right now - I don't know, I'm fickle.

102. Hugged someone: Probably Justin or my brother Graeme. They're the only ones who hug me.

101. Seen someone you haven't seen in awhile: Everyone?

***MISC

90. Who's the Craziest person you know? That Hannibal Lecter's pretty nuts

89. Who makes you laugh the most: Dunno

87. One thing I'm mad about right now: Too many things. I'm a grump.

83. The last movie I saw in the theater was: Sex and the City methinks

82. Ever ate sushi: Yeah, but a little goes a long way for me

79. The one thing I love about the opposite sex: Nothing is coming to mind.

79b. The one thing you love about the same sex: I don't know

78. This summer: SO LONG MAKE IT STOP

77. Next year will be: Glorious

76. Something I will really miss when I leave home is: Pal and Graeme

75. The thing that I'm looking forward to the most is: Well a lot of things but the soonest is moving in with Justin

***ATM

71. Tomorrow: Friday

72. Today: Thursday

71. Next Summer: Living in London? And?

70. Next month: Birfday

***MISC

64. The people I have been good friends with the longest: Liz

61. The person that can read me the best is: Justin

60. The most difficult thing to do is: the right thing

59. I have gotten a speeding ticket: nopers

58. I have the following siblings: Graeme and Devin

56. My zodiac sign is: Leo

55. The first person I was in love with: Justin

54. Who do you feel most comfortable with: my dog

53. The one person who can't hide things from me: Justin

48. I have a job: I do... I'm not going to get into it

47. I have a pet(s): Doggy! His name is Pal

46. I hope: this summer will pass swiftly and painlessly haha

45. The worst sound in the world: Well I could be like Angelina Jolie and be dramatic and say "A child in pain!" but I'm going to go with that three note thing they use in the Duracell commercial

44. The person that made me cry the most is: myself probably

43. Have you ever done drugs: not really

33. My favorite piece of clothing is: Right now I'm in comfy mode so I'm going with my two tank tops from H&M. They are so comfy!

32. My favorite sport is: soccer

31. Last time I cried: I'm not sure. Not too long ago.

28. The church I attend: none

27. Last person I got mad at: Haha too many to keep track of. I'm such a bitter gal

26. My worst experience I've ever had was: Uhh I'll keep that to myself

17. I lose all respect for people who: give in to others, are ignorant, are superficial

16. I hate: Just don't get me started

15. I Like or love: Bla bla bla

13. My Favorite Months are: I think October

12. My Favorite singer is: Depends on my mood

11. The worst pain I ever felt: If we're talking physical then it's either getting my staples and fluid drainer tube thingy taken out of my neck or the wisdom teeth ordeal

9. My room: My happy place

8. My favorite actress/actor is: Johnny Depp/Maggie Gyllenhaal

7. Your weakness: Kryptonite. Don't tell anyone.

6. Who do you like: Oh like you don't know.

5. Cats? Soon!

4. What turns me on: Oh I'm not telling you, you saucy minx!

3. Who broke your heart: Doesn't matter anymore

2. I filled out 200 questions because: I felt like talking about myself. I don't even think there's 200 questions here

1. What do you dislike about yourself: Let's not go there

WATCH THIS

2008-07-16T03:21:36Z

Funniest thing I've seen in a while. Please watch this.

ajna_chakra @ 2008-07-15T21:02:00

2008-07-16T01:08:19Z

It's pretty hard to figure myself out.

Flake

2008-07-13T04:39:58Z

Flake chocolate bars are awesome.
Flaky friends are not.

Well...

2008-07-11T20:54:30Z

...here goes...
Not sure why I've submitted myself to the horrors of Youtube.

Meeeemoriiieees all alone in the mooooonliiiiight

2008-07-06T21:53:02Z

You know the first day we spent time together just the two of us, over two years ago, one of us had a fortune from a fortune cookie that said "Stop searching, happiness is right next to you".
Meaningful? Maybe
Coincidence? Perhaps
Cliche romantic moment that will probably end up in a blockbuster romantic comedy? Definitely

Nevertheless, it's a nice moment to look back at.

P.S. I'm getting really good at drums on Rockband. It makes me feel cool. Hopefully it won't get to my head so much that I'll start wearing jerseys and bandanas.

Lalala feel like writing something

2008-07-04T03:31:55Z

So I just feel like writing something. Can't really think of what....

Ok how bout this, I'll make a list of the lookalikes at my work.

Matthew Good (when he was younger...but an old version)
Adam from Mythbusters (except he shaved his head and now he looks very Humpty Dumpty)
The incompetent male counterpart of the villainous duo in The Rescuers (complete with silly moustache)
Dr. Kelso from Scrubs (he scares me)

That's all I can think of right now.

Graeme and I are throwing a Dr. Seuss dinner party.

Tonight my dog went to pee on a tree but then pooped on it instead. It was weird.

Hopefully tomorrow's barbecue will be fun.

I'm in such a weird rut lately. I seem to be neither here nor there. It's not that I'm not doing anything with my time, it's just that I feel out of touch with myself. I sometimes get these bitter feelings and then I'm not sure if I'm just transferring the bitterness about my job or if they have validity. I think it might end up jeopardizing relationships.

Well that got serious out of nowhere. Time to go to bed! I have very entertaining dreams. I could really sleep forever.

ajna_chakra @ 2008-07-02T23:09:00

2008-07-03T03:11:08Z

I cannot wait for September. Toward the end of the year I kept looking forward to summer vacation, but working full time is hardly a vacation. September will be bliss. I just can't wait to have my own place!

Update

2008-06-28T06:12:52Z

I don't know why I feel the need to do updates when it's late and I'm tired and have to pee. Weird.

So I've been really into some movie soundtracks lately. Stranger Than Fiction and Waking Life are my current most played, but Garden State is a staple.

I've got an apartment now, 1105. I'm in a frenzy of wanting to figure out what to paint it and how to make all the stuff people are giving us work together but it's kind of hard to figure out when the apartment's two hours away from me. I'm really excited to have a home all to myself and be able to decorate it and cook in it and just live in it the way I want to. On the other hand, I don't like talking to people about it because I feel the judgement and it brings me down.

I want to be in a band. I'm tired of winging it on my own and having only myself. I'm not good enough to be able to come up with stuff on my own. I want to be a bass player and just be able to contribute instead of doing it all. Anyway, it's nice to dream...

This summer's been pretty good in terms of me time. I've been actually doing things and being creative just like I always say I'll be. I've just got to keep pushing it. The summer's been pretty hard on the relationship, so instead of focusing on the negativity of that, I've made the summer more about myself and my personal goals and it's working out alright.

There's this store in LA called Necromance (www.necromance.com) and it's pretty darn cool so when my mom told me she was going to LA, I asked her to stop by if she could. She did and I now have a t-shirt with an illustration of Alice and the Dodo from Alice's Adventures In Wonderland as well as a pack of fortune telling cards which I'll have to figure out.

I'm busier with my job now, which is good because even though the stuff is still boring, at least there's stuff to do. I think I've come to terms with my situation, but that doesn't mean I'm not looking forward to it being over. It's just that I've gotten comfortable and made some friends(ish).

Hmmm, an add at the side tells me I can meet Jewish singles. Tempting...

I always feel like I'm not in the right place or time in terms of friends. If I think about it, the last time that I had those really close friends was in grade 8 and who knows if we really were or we just had a lot of fun. I like my friends (in varying degrees) but we never really click or gel. I always feel like leaving and starting over in hopes of finding the people who really get me but I'm beginning to wonder if that's really going to happen. Anyway, I won't get too into it because I'm seeing friends quite a bit this upcoming week and I'm sure I'll feel better once I'm reunited with my good friends from school. It's just interesting how a romantic relationship will be over if there's any cheating, neglect, meanness, lying. But friendships will endure these conditions forever because although there are blowouts, you don't really break up with friends.

Oh my I'm tired. I have so many ideas buzzing in my skull right now. The continuation of Little Lucy, a children's book called Wasteland, a sitcom about teachers. I just need to pick one and work on it because I don't know what to focus on right now.

Anyway, sleep is needed. Sleep well world.

Go Fish

2008-06-16T05:14:14Z

Everyone likes to play the victim card. How much easier it all is when you can boohoo about how the world has wronged you and blame every hurtful action of yours on the hurtful actions of others. You claim ignorance, you pretend it's not as bad as it is, you act like it's all out of your hands.

Well allow me to the be one to tie the anvil to your ankles and bring you back down to earth.

You are not a victim here, not in the least. You're the one who has done all the wrong, and a very solid 8 months of it at that. The only reason you would be unaware of how you treated everyone is if you're more inconsiderate and delusional than I originally anticipated. You conned yourself into believing that it wasn't as bad as it was because you spend your whole life lying, and you're the one most eagerly swallowing those lies whole. It's completely in your hands but if this is the attitude you're going to take, then I was right when I made the decision to cut myself free of you. I won't cause any drama or stop speaking to you but I'll be damned if I consider you my friend.

In case you're thinking that I should probably tell the person about this, I have. Maybe not in this detail, but they know how I feel.

Covers

2008-06-13T04:12:31Z

Recorded:
True Love Will Find You In The End
Be Quiet And Drive (Far Away)
About a Girl

In the Works:
Daydreamer
We're In This Together

Perhaps:
Way Out
Idioteque

What a cornucopia. Prospects are exciting.

ajna_chakra @ 2008-06-08T03:43:00

2008-06-08T07:45:17Z

Living in a snowglobe, it would only be interesting when everything got shaken up.

Photoshoot idea

2008-06-06T00:33:11Z

So when I get a DSLR, I'm thinking photos with bubbles. Bubble bath, bubble gum, blowing bubbles, bubble wrap.